EDITOR'S NOTE: This article originally appeared on Milton Today Oct. 23.
Megan Friedman knew she was opening herself up to a unique type of hurt.
But realizing that didn’t make things any easier.
“I went through a period of grief because I was sharing with the world the troubles we were having and our hopes and dreams for a family,” said the Milton woman, recalling the emotional turmoil she and husband Lenny suffered following a Valentine’s Day Facebook post about embarking on a surrogacy journey and her infertility after contracting Lupus and Rheumatoid arthritis following treatment for Lyme Disease. “I had to seek some counselling and get some help for that, because it hit me in a way I didn’t expect.
“People will say to you this is going to be an emotional roller coaster as you go through infertility, and they’re not kidding.”
Celebrating their second wedding anniversary earlier this month, Lenny and Megan – both teachers – met in March 2020, just before the world-wide pandemic shutdown.
With a special bond formed during an often limited and non-traditional courtship, they became engaged in the spring of 2022 and bought a home in town shortly thereafter.
The interfaith couple – Megan being a Christian and Lenny, Jewish – share many passions, including art, music, theatre and cooking. They also have a close bond with nieces and nephews on both sides of the family.
While COVID put a delay on travel plans, they’ve begun exploring that with trips to Jamaica and Las Vegas.
But the lion’s share of non-working hours these days is reserved for what’s already been a deep dive into the surrogacy process.
“We’re kind of learning as we go. We’re looking at this simultaneously to also looking at options with adoption,” said Lenny, noting the journey has included numerous Zoom calls with fellow intended parents, those who’ve had successful experiences and even a potential lawyer. He and Megan are among the one in six Canadian couples with some form of infertility.
“We’re still at the learning and exploring phase. I think what really appealed to us is how in Canada the whole process is a lot more altruistic than… I’m just going to say other places. The people involved are being respected and compensated for any medical expenses or challenges they have, but it’s not in any way exploitative.”
Through a fertility clinic in Toronto, Megan and Lenny have successfully created one PGT-A tested embryo and will look to access more through the donor bank.
They’ve had a number of encouraging conversations along the way, including with a woman working at the clinic who had two children via surrogacy and a colleague of Megan’s who served as a surrogate for a same-sex couple.
Sadly – though not directly – they’ve also discovered how intended parents can be a common target for fraudsters.
“Some people take situations like this as an opportunity to scam you a little bit,” said Lenny. “There’s a lot of misleading messages out there.”
With an ultimate hope of finding someone fairly local but opening themselves up to all of Canada, the Milton couple is well aware of the surrogate-to-intended parents reality.
“For every surrogate out there there’s 100 intended parents. You’re kind of trying to find your diamond (in the rough),” said Megan, who in recent years has shared her health issues/struggles with her elementary school students in an effort to foster healthy discussions, as well as volunteering with fundraising walks with Lupus Ontario.
Understanding how extensive and multi-layered the process can be even after finding an ideal surrogate, Megan and Lenny have only a loose timeframe hope in mind – that the ultimate blessing may come to fruition in the next year or two.
They’re also flexible in terms of the degree of connection forged with the potential surrogate.
“Our hope is to find someone we could have some sort of positive relationship with afterwards. We would love to be able to tell our child, here’s this other person who helped make your journey in this world possible,” said Lenny.
Added Megan, “If the person was open to that relationship they would be considered an honourary part of the family, because they would be giving us a gift we truly could never repay them for.
“Our child will know their birth story, how they came into this world. And we hope we can use this experience as a lesson in the incredible human kindness that’s out there.”